Captain Regulation on the Balance of Power and the Interests of Big Business

ring...ring...

Captain Regulation: Hello Ms. Buerkle. It has been awhile. What's up?

Representative Ann Marie Buerkle: REINS [Regulations From the Executive in Need of Scrutiny Act: see the Washington Post's article yesterday for a full explanation]. We have been working hard to streamline government regulations. What do you think?

CR: I am afraid you and your colleagues have missed the point of strong regulations again. What you've done is about ideology rather than good government. Also, you are trying to tinker with the balance of power. Don't you remember what you learned in your 9th grade civics course about balancing the three parts of government?

AMB: We think the President has too much power.

CR: Please let me explain something to you. One of the advantages of regulations is continuity. Because the balance of power can shift so quickly, in fact every two years in the House and four years in the Presidency, without regulations things can become unmanageable rather quickly, creating chaos and confusion. Quite simply, there has to be some stability we can all depend upon, and regulations contribute greatly to that.

AMB: But we like using words like "certainty" and "job creators". We want the American people to believe that we have their best interests at heart.

CR: Do you?

AMB: To the extent that big business uses an expendable and cheap labor force, yes.

CR: What? And what about the consumer and community protections REINS would erode?

AMB: I am always in favor of consumer protections so long as they do not reduce the ability of corporations to maximize their profits.

CR: Sorry, you are not making sense. Not only that, but Lisa Lowery's headline this morning, Rep. Buerkle Stands Up for Businesses, is  deceptive and really not true at all for local concerns. It promotes your false contention that the interests of big business are compatible with the interests of workers, local businesses and communities.

AMB: But we are in the business of getting our point across in small bites. We know that our Tea Party supporters don't read deeply or care about facts.

CR: Honestly, Ms. Buerkle, I do not understand why you and your Republican colleagues waste so much time with stunts like this when you have so many more important issues to deal with right now.

AMB: [click]

CR: [to colleagues working nearby] Buerkle again…Tea Party politics as usual. Nothing to do with good government. Back to work. I swear she would be happiest taking us back to the Dark Ages, like yesterday when she came out against new protections for children employed in farming who have been working with pesticides, powerful PTOs and in giant silos and manure ponds.

Captain Regulation on Women's Right to Choose

Captain Regulation: You rang?

Ann Marie Buerkle:  Why are there still so many regulations? They are just hurting my constituents. They tell me, "too many regulations."

CR: And yet I understand you want to add regulations limiting a woman's right to choose and hurting the providers of women's health services? Make up your mind. More or less? 

AMB: I want less unless I want more. I want to restrict things I don't like. 

CR: Make up your mind. 

Captain Regulation on Chickens

Ann Marie Buerkle: Are you here again?

Captain Regulation: You called me, remember?

AMB: OK, I guess. Look, now I have to explain why I'm against regulations that would help small farmers and ranchers. I don't suppose you would consider helping me out here, would you?

CR: Ah, you must mean GIPSA and the chicken farmers. OK, here's the situation: a couple years ago, the Agriculture Department proposed new rules that would level the playing field between the giant corporate meat packers and the small farmers who supply them. 

Now, your House of Representatives refuses to support these regulations, and you have cut off funding to implement the new regulations that would definitely help small farmers.

AMB: What's wrong with that? Regulations take away the freedom of large corporations to dominate the market place, you know.

CR: And here I thought you liked small farmers.

AMB: Sure I do. Small farms are nice, but well, you know, they don't really donate much to my campaign. I want to be able to say I like small farmers, but I sure don't want to give them an unfair advantage, that interferes with the magic of the free market.

CR: Well, then, if you want small farmers to do better economically, you should support the new GISPA rules.

AMB:  I can't do that. My friends will be mad.

CR: OK then, I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help.

AMB: This meeting is over. Go away!

Thanks to The Daily Yonder for the heads up on this issue.

Captain Regulation Explains It All

Ann Marie Buerkle: Hi, Captain Regulation, thank you so much for stopping by.

Captain Regulation: You are welcome. How can I help you?

AMB: Well, you know I am against government regulations. In fact, I tell my constituents every chance I get that every new government regulation chips away at their freedom.

CR: Well, Congresswoman, I guess it would be true to say some regulations limit your freedom. For instance, a few years back Congress passed a lot of anti-terrorism laws and those regulations do substantially limit some freedoms.

AMB: That's not what I meant. I'm all in favor of anti-terrorism regulations, I'm against

business regulations.

CR: OK, I see. Well, almost all business people actually want the government to help regulate commerce to promote fairness and stop unscrupulous business deals.

AMB: Well, OK, that's alright, too. What I'm against is regulations that make it harder for small businesses to make a profit.

CR: OK, I think I'm beginning to see what you mean. I'm afraid I can't really help you out much, though. There's no doubt that some well-meant rules are out of date and do need to be revised, but it's not really possible to just be against government regulation.

You see, regulations are the only way to make laws real. They're the way the government explains in detail what laws mean, and exactly how they will be enforced. Laws are totally hollow without regulations.

AMB: Look, I am absolutely certain that business people want to reduce regulations in order to build their businesses. It's a major part of all my speeches. My business owner friends always clap when I say that.

CR: Well your friends may be clapping, but a poll published this week found that what business people really want, way ahead of less regulations, is more business. They want customers. With cash. Cash earned by working. Working at jobs in this country. Now.

AMB: Darn, and here I thought you would help me. This meeting is over.

Introducing Captain Regulation

Say hello to one of America's unsung super heros, Captain Regulation.

Years ago he was just a file clerk at the National Archives in Washington, DC, but even back then he knew that many members of Congress did not understand the central role that the Code of Federal Regulations (CFR for short) plays in providing order and justice all across our fair land.

One day when installing a new and much more powerful memory chip in his office computer, he accidentally touched the power cord while still holding the mother board. ZAP! FLASH!

When he came to, he knew something had changed. Every time a member of Congress said, or even thought, the word “regulation” he was instantly aware of it. He began to compile lists of the members who had a special interest in federal regulations and vowed to help them understand the intricacies of rule making.

In recognition of his unique role in protecting good government, the US Senate secretly built the Fortress of Regulation right inside the National Archive. From this sophisticated 21st century listening post in the heart of Washington, Captain Regulation stands guard.

He has sure had his hands full with the current crop of freshman Republicans.

Blueskygirl was very pleased to be able to meet Captain Regulation in person recently. Of course, she spoke with him about some of his recent run-ins with AMB. Now for the first time anywhere That's Our Gal is proud to release some excerpts from the Captain Regulation private archives.